24 Weeks!

I can hardly believe this, but I'm about 24 weeks along which is considered "Viability Day." I still can barely believe that I'm pregnant, but there's no mistaking the huge belly and the little kicks that we can now feel and see from the outside!



We've been getting the nursery ready, but for now everything is still waiting for the room to be cleared out. I have a dresser, a twin bed for me to sleep in when she's still up all night, I ordered custom bedding for the crib, new drawer pulls for the dresser, window shades, and a ceiling fan. I also made a mobile that ties in our pink-orange-elephant theme. I can't wait to put it all together and post some pictures.

One of the most exciting things, after MS feeling her kick was my mom getting to feel her kick. I know it meant a lot to her and I am glad she was the second person after Winter's dad to get to experience this. It just makes things so real. Even for me, feeling her from the outside is so much cooler than feeling her from the inside, because it just seems so strong and it's just proof that she's really in there and it's not just some other rumbling of my tummy.

Updates galore

Wow I've been doing a terrible job updating this blog. The truth is, I've been so busy, but lots is happening!

We had our NT scan while in Florida and everything looked great. Baby was wiggling around like crazy and all the measurements looked good. Later bloodwork confirmed things were as good as possible, meaning I had the lowest possible 1/huge number risk for all of the different disorders they can test for.

Here's baby at 11 weeks:


When we got home I was 16 weeks along and we had another appointment with Dr. Fine. She did not do an ultrasound but we did get to hear baby's heartbeat for the first time via doppler. It's so nice and comforting to hear that sound and be reassured. I also started feeling movement, just a tiny, hard to believe little bit.

At 18 weeks we had our anatomy scan and found out that it's a girl! We are using the name Winter Claire, which is the name we had picked out last time, if it had been a girl. I was conflicted about using the name since it was attached to our first baby, but since we don't know if that baby was a boy or a girl, I decided to give our first baby a unisex name that we both liked, Rowan, and keep Winter for this little girl. I haven't really told anyone this part, but I like that it reminds me of my first baby, who was due in the winter and who I thought of as my winter baby. Maybe it's weird or wrong but it feels like I'm honoring Rowan by naming his or her little sister Winter. Claire is my mother's middle name.



I'm now feeling lots of movement, they're still subtle little kicks and swirls but there's no mistaking what's going on in there. It's so nice and comforting to feel her wriggling around all the time and know she is doing okay. I don't think the fear is ever completely gone but feeling movement helps so much I'm so grateful for it.

MS and I just went back to Florida for a birthday celebration trip. I turned 30 on Wednesday May 25th, and spent the day with my family at Disneyland. It just so happens that one of my friends and I have the same birthday. She also happens to be married to one of MS's best friends, so the four of us went out to Orlando to go to Disneyworld to celebrate our birthdays. We had a great time, though the heat and all the walking was a bit rough on my pregnant body. My ankles were so swollen! I am so happy to be home again, I think I've seen enough of Florida for awhile!

It's been awhile

It's been far too long since I've updated this blog, I've been so busy! We had our first appointment at 7 weeks and saw a beautiful baby with a heartbeat! I could hardly believe my eyes and ears. As soon as the OB started the ultrasound, she said "Heartbeat!" And my heart jumped, I felt so relieved and overjoyed. Here's our first ultrasound picture of the little pumpkin at 7 weeks.



The day after this amazing event, MS and I got on a plane to Orlando, where we have been living since March 2nd. He has a long project here for work, so we rented a condo and are staying until the end of April. I have been busy working on script consulting just like I do at home, and we've had some fun weekends exploring Disneyworld and Universal Orlando. Of course I can't go on all the rides but it's so worth it to keep our little pumpkin safe.

While here we had another appointment, at 11 weeks we had an NT scan. So far things still look great. The baby was growing on schedule, and was wiggling around like crazy on screen. I can't believe the little guy or girl is really in there growing and moving and getting bigger everyday.

This is our baby at 11 weeks:



I'm now 13 weeks and 4 days along and I still can't believe I've made it this far! I am so thankful everyday for this amazing gift, and MS is so excited about what he is sure is our daughter. Can't wait to get back home to California in two weeks. Florida has been fun but we are definitely homesick!

Fall Baby

I can hardly believe this is happening, but I am pregnant again! This was our third cycle trying since we had to sit out four cycles. I never thought it would happen again this quickly and I am so grateful and feel so lucky and blessed.

I must have had a subconscious good feeling about this month because I caved at 8DPO and tested. Of course, that early, nothing showed up. I tried again the next day and the next, still got nothing. At 11DPO, which was Friday, I got the faintest lightest line ever, which I convinced myself was an evaporation line or something I was just willing myself to see because I wanted it so badly. The next day, I got another super faint line that I barely believed. But Michael-Scott saw it. We got partially excited. We went to dinner at Vera and Sean’s and to my surprise he blurted out to them that we were possibly expecting. The next day I got another light line. Really light. I tested with a digital and it came out clear as day with an unmistakable “Pregnant.”


I am still in shock. I went out to breakfast with my parents on Sunday and told them. We were ordering drinks and my dad asked me if I wanted coffee, or a mimosa or something, and I said, “No I can’t have coffee or alcohol anymore.” I started smiling and they finally got that this wasn’t due to some new diet I was trying. My mom instantly started crying and my dad was thrilled. Of course he tried unsuccessfully to be reassuring by saying: “Don’t worry, even if you have another miscarriage, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. My coworker’s daughter just had a baby and she had several miscarriages before this pregnancy.” Thanks Dad, but reassurance fail. I don’t care though, I’m too excited.

We haven’t told anyone else yet, except of course all the ladies on the bump. I am still in shock and working really hard on staying positive and hopeful and keeping in mind that, as one bumpie so eloquently put it, my past doesn’t dictate my future. I may have been pregnant before, but I have never been pregnant with this baby before, everything is different and I’m trying to give this little pumpkin the same untainted, fearless and unfettered love I gave our little winter baby.

New Year

Well I have been neglecting this blog since the holidays. Things have been busy, up and down and extremely difficult.

Christmas was nice enough, I think we were all just grateful to have each other and still have my mom around. I know the thought crossed her mind that she might not be here for any future Christmases so we tried to enjoy being together.
I have never been more thrilled to see a year end than 2010. It truly was the worst year of my life, I hate to add so far, but I will, God only knows what the future has in store for me. I have felt bad about how things were in the past and now putting it in perspective they look quite awesome. I hope that 2010 remains the worst year and things start looking up soon.

Happily, Michael-Scott has been home since before Christmas, other than one quick trip to Dallas over the weekend. It’s been really nice having him around. We celebrated our five year wedding anniversary on the 8th, with a really fun, indulgent day. We drove out to Malibu for breakfast at Paradise Cove. I had amazing carrot cake waffles, and we shared smoked salmon eggs Benedict. After breakfast we went to the Getty Villa, which was really interesting and fun. I haven’t been since they moved the majority of the art collection over to the new Getty, but there is still plenty to see at the old place, art, sculpture, jewelry, and artifacts, not to mention the gorgeous grounds.

We headed back towards home in time for our Thai massages. I have had plenty of regular massages but never this kind. It was an odd combination of deep tissue massage and intense stretching. I am not sure if I enjoyed it but I did feel better afterward.

We then went to Tifa Chocolate and had some drinking chocolate and some truffles. Finally we went home, grabbed some In-N-Out and ate that before taking a nap. We had late dinner reservations at 8:00 at Mastro’s so we got ready and went over there. That dinner was phenomenal. We had an appetizer with lobster, Dungeness crab and oysters, a bottle of Malbec, and delicious steaks. Our waiter surprised us with a Happy Anniversary cake and we had cappuccinos afterwards. It was a fabulous day. We were planning to go out of town, but with everything going on with my mom we decided we were better off staying close by.

My mom was declining, being off chemo and everything for awhile was taking a toll. She was feeling bad, nauseated and exhausted. Last week she finally got pushed into the clinical trial where she received some new drug that her doctor is very excited about. She didn’t feel much relief immediately following her treatment, but now a week later she is starting to finally feel a little better.

Decision time

I made a hard decision today, but it was necessary. I have to have some oral surgery, and I finally scheduled it for the 29th of this month, which means we will have to TTA this entire cycle. This also means that 2010 has lost all hope of actually turning out well. I was going to write it off as the worst year of my life but avoided saying that in case we actually did end up pregnant this year. That would have redeemed 2010 from all the bad that has come. But now I know we won’t. I am disappointed, but anxious to get the surgery done and not have to worry about it. And if I’m not too hopped up on pain medication at least I can ring in the new year with a lot of champagne instead of worrying that I should be abstaining because I could be pregnant.

But this year hasn’t been all bad. There’s been a lot of good that has happened and I feel like I have aged about ten years in experience and wisdom (hopefully I don’t look like I’ve aged ten years though!). Today is my mom’s PET scan after her gamma knife treatment, since she’s been off chemo for about two months while doing the radiation they need to see what is going on to start her on chemo again. We’re hoping for good news and praying that things work out for her. I do feel a lot of guilt and conflict in choosing to TTA. I know it’s something I almost have to do, my teeth have started to hurt and I don’t want to get pregnant and go nine months with pain and nothing to do about it, but I was really hoping to schedule the surgery before I’d have to make this decision. I feel guilt because of my mom. The longer I go without making a grandbaby for her the more scared I am that she won’t make it long enough to meet her grandchild. I know the thought scares her and I hope the delay just makes her stick around longer and fight harder to be here for that and for us. We do all still need and want her here and I hope that she knows that and is strong enough to stay for us. Aside from that I really feel at peace with this decision. I’m of course, impatient to be pregnant again but I know it will happen when it is supposed to happen and I’m trying to relax and leave this in God’s hands, so having a cycle off of trying and stressing and worrying about every little thing I do will be nice.

Merry Christmas, Darling

Merry Christmas, Darling
- Carpenters

Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you

Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you

Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you

Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you