I made a hard decision today, but it was necessary. I have to have some oral surgery, and I finally scheduled it for the 29th of this month, which means we will have to TTA this entire cycle. This also means that 2010 has lost all hope of actually turning out well. I was going to write it off as the worst year of my life but avoided saying that in case we actually did end up pregnant this year. That would have redeemed 2010 from all the bad that has come. But now I know we won’t. I am disappointed, but anxious to get the surgery done and not have to worry about it. And if I’m not too hopped up on pain medication at least I can ring in the new year with a lot of champagne instead of worrying that I should be abstaining because I could be pregnant.
But this year hasn’t been all bad. There’s been a lot of good that has happened and I feel like I have aged about ten years in experience and wisdom (hopefully I don’t look like I’ve aged ten years though!). Today is my mom’s PET scan after her gamma knife treatment, since she’s been off chemo for about two months while doing the radiation they need to see what is going on to start her on chemo again. We’re hoping for good news and praying that things work out for her. I do feel a lot of guilt and conflict in choosing to TTA. I know it’s something I almost have to do, my teeth have started to hurt and I don’t want to get pregnant and go nine months with pain and nothing to do about it, but I was really hoping to schedule the surgery before I’d have to make this decision. I feel guilt because of my mom. The longer I go without making a grandbaby for her the more scared I am that she won’t make it long enough to meet her grandchild. I know the thought scares her and I hope the delay just makes her stick around longer and fight harder to be here for that and for us. We do all still need and want her here and I hope that she knows that and is strong enough to stay for us. Aside from that I really feel at peace with this decision. I’m of course, impatient to be pregnant again but I know it will happen when it is supposed to happen and I’m trying to relax and leave this in God’s hands, so having a cycle off of trying and stressing and worrying about every little thing I do will be nice.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Merry Christmas, Darling
Merry Christmas, Darling
- Carpenters
Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you
Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you
Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you
- Carpenters
Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you
Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you
Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you
Friday, December 10, 2010
Gratitude
I’ve always felt that gratitude is the key to happiness. Not felt, known. It’s the only way to ever enjoy anything, and I believe the reason for the tenth commandment. If you are always focused on what you don’t have, it’s impossible to enjoy what you do have, because there is always someone with more and someone with what you think you want. Of course this is all easier said than done, but it’s something I’m trying to focus on and it’s working wonders in my attitude and outlook.
Today I woke up at 7:00 and heard my husband already in the shower getting ready for work. I stumbled out of bed and sat with him while he got ready. I told him I was tired and he replied, “Go back to bed!” I said I didn’t want to because that was lazy. I feel guilty sleeping in when he’s up and working, but he said, “I work hard so you can be lazy.” What an amazing man I married. I love him so much I can’t even describe it, and I am so grateful that he is so devoted to me and my happiness. No matter what challenges come our way I know that I can face them with someone like that by my side.
The other incredible little treat that made today wonderful was from my dad. He recently traveled to Toulouse on business, and I asked him if he could bring me back some real French pain au chocolat (literally bread of chocolate, but it’s just a chocolate filled croissant). There is something so deliciously perfect about these pastries, plus for me they’re strongly tied to memories of being sixteen and living with a French family in Rouen and dunking one in a bowl (yes a whole bowl!) of chocolat chaud (hot chocolate) for breakfast. Sure you can get a chocolate croissant at Starbucks or wherever, but they’re not the same. There’s something about the butter, the technique, the chocolate, that makes the real French version (even the smushed, probably bought at the airport version my dad managed to bring home) far superior to anything available here. The ones here are dumbed down and just a croissant with chocolate filling, which is often tasteless brown frosting-like chocolate flavored goop. The real ones have a layer of real chocolate inside, which melts deliciously with the butter and flaky layers of croissant when you dip it into your morning chocolat chaud or coffee. C’est magnifique!
So I have to thank the two most important men in my life today for making my morning so perfect and reminding me how much I am loved and how much I have to be grateful for. Thank you Dad for taking care of me for the first 24 years of my life and still indulging me when you can. And thank you Michael-Scott for the last five years and being such a perfect hardworking husband.
Today I woke up at 7:00 and heard my husband already in the shower getting ready for work. I stumbled out of bed and sat with him while he got ready. I told him I was tired and he replied, “Go back to bed!” I said I didn’t want to because that was lazy. I feel guilty sleeping in when he’s up and working, but he said, “I work hard so you can be lazy.” What an amazing man I married. I love him so much I can’t even describe it, and I am so grateful that he is so devoted to me and my happiness. No matter what challenges come our way I know that I can face them with someone like that by my side.
The other incredible little treat that made today wonderful was from my dad. He recently traveled to Toulouse on business, and I asked him if he could bring me back some real French pain au chocolat (literally bread of chocolate, but it’s just a chocolate filled croissant). There is something so deliciously perfect about these pastries, plus for me they’re strongly tied to memories of being sixteen and living with a French family in Rouen and dunking one in a bowl (yes a whole bowl!) of chocolat chaud (hot chocolate) for breakfast. Sure you can get a chocolate croissant at Starbucks or wherever, but they’re not the same. There’s something about the butter, the technique, the chocolate, that makes the real French version (even the smushed, probably bought at the airport version my dad managed to bring home) far superior to anything available here. The ones here are dumbed down and just a croissant with chocolate filling, which is often tasteless brown frosting-like chocolate flavored goop. The real ones have a layer of real chocolate inside, which melts deliciously with the butter and flaky layers of croissant when you dip it into your morning chocolat chaud or coffee. C’est magnifique!
So I have to thank the two most important men in my life today for making my morning so perfect and reminding me how much I am loved and how much I have to be grateful for. Thank you Dad for taking care of me for the first 24 years of my life and still indulging me when you can. And thank you Michael-Scott for the last five years and being such a perfect hardworking husband.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Unexpected little love stories
As what is starting to seem like always, MS is out of town, right now in Indiana, on his way to St. Louis tonight. We talk and text throughout the day, which makes it a little easier, but I still miss him so much.
Last night I could tell from the increasing unreadable nature of his texts that he had had a few drinks while out at dinner. When he called me he confirmed that he’d had a few beers, and when he drinks, he gets happy and even more lovey dovey.
He told me that the coworker he was out with had asked him when he knew that his wife (AKA me) was the one and was perfect for him. I smiled and assumed I’d hear some cute story about something a said or did when we were dating, you know, before he asked me to marry him. Instead he started, surprisingly, with “It was about a year ago…” I frowned, we’ve been married almost five years and only a year ago you realized I was the one? But I didn’t say anything and just listened. “You didn’t see me, but I came downstairs to the kitchen and you were in there doing dishes, and you weren’t watching TV or anything, but you were so happy you were singing and I thought wow, she just made dinner for me and now she’s cleaning up and is content to be doing this, she is a good woman, and I know she will always take care of me.”
The story made me so happy because I am pretty old-fashioned and I do enjoy taking care of him and being a wife first above everything else. I can’t wait to add mother to that title.
I realized that I had had a similar epiphany about him last year when I felt like I knew for sure that he would always take care of me, and enjoyed doing it. It was after I had quit my stressful job at Four Seasons and was at home reading a screenplay. I was sitting outside in the sun and a big blue jay landed in front of me. I took a picture of it with my phone and texted it to MS, who was, again, in some cold city on a business trip. He wrote back that it looked like it was nice and sunny out, but wherever he was was cold and rainy, and he was out in that cold weather knocking on doors and enduring the chill. I felt so guilty and wrote back that I was so sorry that he had to do that, and he wrote back that he would do anything so that I could be home, sitting outside, being happy. I knew then that he would always take good care of me, and that I could always count on him to put me first.
I am so grateful that I have him in my life, and I know that he will make an amazing father and take good care of our family if we are ever lucky enough to have children.
Last night I could tell from the increasing unreadable nature of his texts that he had had a few drinks while out at dinner. When he called me he confirmed that he’d had a few beers, and when he drinks, he gets happy and even more lovey dovey.
He told me that the coworker he was out with had asked him when he knew that his wife (AKA me) was the one and was perfect for him. I smiled and assumed I’d hear some cute story about something a said or did when we were dating, you know, before he asked me to marry him. Instead he started, surprisingly, with “It was about a year ago…” I frowned, we’ve been married almost five years and only a year ago you realized I was the one? But I didn’t say anything and just listened. “You didn’t see me, but I came downstairs to the kitchen and you were in there doing dishes, and you weren’t watching TV or anything, but you were so happy you were singing and I thought wow, she just made dinner for me and now she’s cleaning up and is content to be doing this, she is a good woman, and I know she will always take care of me.”
The story made me so happy because I am pretty old-fashioned and I do enjoy taking care of him and being a wife first above everything else. I can’t wait to add mother to that title.
I realized that I had had a similar epiphany about him last year when I felt like I knew for sure that he would always take care of me, and enjoyed doing it. It was after I had quit my stressful job at Four Seasons and was at home reading a screenplay. I was sitting outside in the sun and a big blue jay landed in front of me. I took a picture of it with my phone and texted it to MS, who was, again, in some cold city on a business trip. He wrote back that it looked like it was nice and sunny out, but wherever he was was cold and rainy, and he was out in that cold weather knocking on doors and enduring the chill. I felt so guilty and wrote back that I was so sorry that he had to do that, and he wrote back that he would do anything so that I could be home, sitting outside, being happy. I knew then that he would always take good care of me, and that I could always count on him to put me first.
I am so grateful that I have him in my life, and I know that he will make an amazing father and take good care of our family if we are ever lucky enough to have children.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
