Fall Baby

I can hardly believe this is happening, but I am pregnant again! This was our third cycle trying since we had to sit out four cycles. I never thought it would happen again this quickly and I am so grateful and feel so lucky and blessed.

I must have had a subconscious good feeling about this month because I caved at 8DPO and tested. Of course, that early, nothing showed up. I tried again the next day and the next, still got nothing. At 11DPO, which was Friday, I got the faintest lightest line ever, which I convinced myself was an evaporation line or something I was just willing myself to see because I wanted it so badly. The next day, I got another super faint line that I barely believed. But Michael-Scott saw it. We got partially excited. We went to dinner at Vera and Sean’s and to my surprise he blurted out to them that we were possibly expecting. The next day I got another light line. Really light. I tested with a digital and it came out clear as day with an unmistakable “Pregnant.”


I am still in shock. I went out to breakfast with my parents on Sunday and told them. We were ordering drinks and my dad asked me if I wanted coffee, or a mimosa or something, and I said, “No I can’t have coffee or alcohol anymore.” I started smiling and they finally got that this wasn’t due to some new diet I was trying. My mom instantly started crying and my dad was thrilled. Of course he tried unsuccessfully to be reassuring by saying: “Don’t worry, even if you have another miscarriage, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. My coworker’s daughter just had a baby and she had several miscarriages before this pregnancy.” Thanks Dad, but reassurance fail. I don’t care though, I’m too excited.

We haven’t told anyone else yet, except of course all the ladies on the bump. I am still in shock and working really hard on staying positive and hopeful and keeping in mind that, as one bumpie so eloquently put it, my past doesn’t dictate my future. I may have been pregnant before, but I have never been pregnant with this baby before, everything is different and I’m trying to give this little pumpkin the same untainted, fearless and unfettered love I gave our little winter baby.

New Year

Well I have been neglecting this blog since the holidays. Things have been busy, up and down and extremely difficult.

Christmas was nice enough, I think we were all just grateful to have each other and still have my mom around. I know the thought crossed her mind that she might not be here for any future Christmases so we tried to enjoy being together.
I have never been more thrilled to see a year end than 2010. It truly was the worst year of my life, I hate to add so far, but I will, God only knows what the future has in store for me. I have felt bad about how things were in the past and now putting it in perspective they look quite awesome. I hope that 2010 remains the worst year and things start looking up soon.

Happily, Michael-Scott has been home since before Christmas, other than one quick trip to Dallas over the weekend. It’s been really nice having him around. We celebrated our five year wedding anniversary on the 8th, with a really fun, indulgent day. We drove out to Malibu for breakfast at Paradise Cove. I had amazing carrot cake waffles, and we shared smoked salmon eggs Benedict. After breakfast we went to the Getty Villa, which was really interesting and fun. I haven’t been since they moved the majority of the art collection over to the new Getty, but there is still plenty to see at the old place, art, sculpture, jewelry, and artifacts, not to mention the gorgeous grounds.

We headed back towards home in time for our Thai massages. I have had plenty of regular massages but never this kind. It was an odd combination of deep tissue massage and intense stretching. I am not sure if I enjoyed it but I did feel better afterward.

We then went to Tifa Chocolate and had some drinking chocolate and some truffles. Finally we went home, grabbed some In-N-Out and ate that before taking a nap. We had late dinner reservations at 8:00 at Mastro’s so we got ready and went over there. That dinner was phenomenal. We had an appetizer with lobster, Dungeness crab and oysters, a bottle of Malbec, and delicious steaks. Our waiter surprised us with a Happy Anniversary cake and we had cappuccinos afterwards. It was a fabulous day. We were planning to go out of town, but with everything going on with my mom we decided we were better off staying close by.

My mom was declining, being off chemo and everything for awhile was taking a toll. She was feeling bad, nauseated and exhausted. Last week she finally got pushed into the clinical trial where she received some new drug that her doctor is very excited about. She didn’t feel much relief immediately following her treatment, but now a week later she is starting to finally feel a little better.

Decision time

I made a hard decision today, but it was necessary. I have to have some oral surgery, and I finally scheduled it for the 29th of this month, which means we will have to TTA this entire cycle. This also means that 2010 has lost all hope of actually turning out well. I was going to write it off as the worst year of my life but avoided saying that in case we actually did end up pregnant this year. That would have redeemed 2010 from all the bad that has come. But now I know we won’t. I am disappointed, but anxious to get the surgery done and not have to worry about it. And if I’m not too hopped up on pain medication at least I can ring in the new year with a lot of champagne instead of worrying that I should be abstaining because I could be pregnant.

But this year hasn’t been all bad. There’s been a lot of good that has happened and I feel like I have aged about ten years in experience and wisdom (hopefully I don’t look like I’ve aged ten years though!). Today is my mom’s PET scan after her gamma knife treatment, since she’s been off chemo for about two months while doing the radiation they need to see what is going on to start her on chemo again. We’re hoping for good news and praying that things work out for her. I do feel a lot of guilt and conflict in choosing to TTA. I know it’s something I almost have to do, my teeth have started to hurt and I don’t want to get pregnant and go nine months with pain and nothing to do about it, but I was really hoping to schedule the surgery before I’d have to make this decision. I feel guilt because of my mom. The longer I go without making a grandbaby for her the more scared I am that she won’t make it long enough to meet her grandchild. I know the thought scares her and I hope the delay just makes her stick around longer and fight harder to be here for that and for us. We do all still need and want her here and I hope that she knows that and is strong enough to stay for us. Aside from that I really feel at peace with this decision. I’m of course, impatient to be pregnant again but I know it will happen when it is supposed to happen and I’m trying to relax and leave this in God’s hands, so having a cycle off of trying and stressing and worrying about every little thing I do will be nice.

Merry Christmas, Darling

Merry Christmas, Darling
- Carpenters

Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you

Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you

Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you

Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you

Gratitude

I’ve always felt that gratitude is the key to happiness. Not felt, known. It’s the only way to ever enjoy anything, and I believe the reason for the tenth commandment. If you are always focused on what you don’t have, it’s impossible to enjoy what you do have, because there is always someone with more and someone with what you think you want. Of course this is all easier said than done, but it’s something I’m trying to focus on and it’s working wonders in my attitude and outlook.

Today I woke up at 7:00 and heard my husband already in the shower getting ready for work. I stumbled out of bed and sat with him while he got ready. I told him I was tired and he replied, “Go back to bed!” I said I didn’t want to because that was lazy. I feel guilty sleeping in when he’s up and working, but he said, “I work hard so you can be lazy.” What an amazing man I married. I love him so much I can’t even describe it, and I am so grateful that he is so devoted to me and my happiness. No matter what challenges come our way I know that I can face them with someone like that by my side.

The other incredible little treat that made today wonderful was from my dad. He recently traveled to Toulouse on business, and I asked him if he could bring me back some real French pain au chocolat (literally bread of chocolate, but it’s just a chocolate filled croissant). There is something so deliciously perfect about these pastries, plus for me they’re strongly tied to memories of being sixteen and living with a French family in Rouen and dunking one in a bowl (yes a whole bowl!) of chocolat chaud (hot chocolate) for breakfast. Sure you can get a chocolate croissant at Starbucks or wherever, but they’re not the same. There’s something about the butter, the technique, the chocolate, that makes the real French version (even the smushed, probably bought at the airport version my dad managed to bring home) far superior to anything available here. The ones here are dumbed down and just a croissant with chocolate filling, which is often tasteless brown frosting-like chocolate flavored goop. The real ones have a layer of real chocolate inside, which melts deliciously with the butter and flaky layers of croissant when you dip it into your morning chocolat chaud or coffee. C’est magnifique!

So I have to thank the two most important men in my life today for making my morning so perfect and reminding me how much I am loved and how much I have to be grateful for. Thank you Dad for taking care of me for the first 24 years of my life and still indulging me when you can. And thank you Michael-Scott for the last five years and being such a perfect hardworking husband.

Unexpected little love stories

As what is starting to seem like always, MS is out of town, right now in Indiana, on his way to St. Louis tonight. We talk and text throughout the day, which makes it a little easier, but I still miss him so much.

Last night I could tell from the increasing unreadable nature of his texts that he had had a few drinks while out at dinner. When he called me he confirmed that he’d had a few beers, and when he drinks, he gets happy and even more lovey dovey.
He told me that the coworker he was out with had asked him when he knew that his wife (AKA me) was the one and was perfect for him. I smiled and assumed I’d hear some cute story about something a said or did when we were dating, you know, before he asked me to marry him. Instead he started, surprisingly, with “It was about a year ago…” I frowned, we’ve been married almost five years and only a year ago you realized I was the one? But I didn’t say anything and just listened. “You didn’t see me, but I came downstairs to the kitchen and you were in there doing dishes, and you weren’t watching TV or anything, but you were so happy you were singing and I thought wow, she just made dinner for me and now she’s cleaning up and is content to be doing this, she is a good woman, and I know she will always take care of me.”
The story made me so happy because I am pretty old-fashioned and I do enjoy taking care of him and being a wife first above everything else. I can’t wait to add mother to that title.

I realized that I had had a similar epiphany about him last year when I felt like I knew for sure that he would always take care of me, and enjoyed doing it. It was after I had quit my stressful job at Four Seasons and was at home reading a screenplay. I was sitting outside in the sun and a big blue jay landed in front of me. I took a picture of it with my phone and texted it to MS, who was, again, in some cold city on a business trip. He wrote back that it looked like it was nice and sunny out, but wherever he was was cold and rainy, and he was out in that cold weather knocking on doors and enduring the chill. I felt so guilty and wrote back that I was so sorry that he had to do that, and he wrote back that he would do anything so that I could be home, sitting outside, being happy. I knew then that he would always take good care of me, and that I could always count on him to put me first.

I am so grateful that I have him in my life, and I know that he will make an amazing father and take good care of our family if we are ever lucky enough to have children.

A New Thanksgiving Tradition

This year, my darling husband decided to institute a new tradition. Rather than simply having everyone state what they were thankful for, he had us all tell each other what why we were thankful for them personally. He asked the person being talked about to sit facing away from the group and not say anything, so there would be less awkwardness and no chance to argue or downplay the nice things being said about them. Instead we had to sit quietly and just accept how much everyone loved us. You would think we would have all jumped at the chance to have our egos stroked like this, but everyone was humbly reluctant and uncomfortable, especially MS’s old-school grandfather, who we made go first. He is not one to emote or take compliments easily, so he resisted this “navel-contemplating” exercise, but finally submitted when we told him he couldn’t have any of my freshly-baked-from-scratch pumpkin and apple pies until this was done.

We started telling Poppy why we were thankful for him, beginning with his daughter, my mother-in-law. MS originally wanted to limit the time spent on each person to three minutes, but by the time she was finished talking about how much she loved her father and why, three minutes had passed and the rest of us hadn’t even spoken. So it took awhile, but it was worth it and we all enjoyed talking about why we were thankful for everyone. It is such a habit for me, and everyone, I think, to be picky and critical of others, to complain and find fault. I found it very uplifting and healing to focus on only the good in each person and being able to let them know how much I love them and why was something that I haven’t previously been comfortable doing, especially with my in-laws. We were all touched by the nice things said about us, and I was surprised at how they all perceive me, it is different than how I see myself, as I said, I tend to be a little critical of everyone but the absolute hardest on myself.

We all enjoyed the pie we earned and then MS and I headed to dinner at a restaurant with my family. When we got home we told them the same thing-we have to do this before you get pie. After a few groans and protests, my family also agreed. We started with my grandmother, then my dad, mother, sister, then Michael-Scott, and finally me. I was in tears nearly the entire time. When my father spoke he told me how I was so special to him because I was the one that made him a father, and that being a dad was the best thing he’s done in his life and it is so amazing. I cried because I was touched by what he said, but also because I know being a parent is one of life’s highest callings, it’s all I want, and I’m still so terrified that I might never be a mother. Overall though, it was an amazing experience. I am so grateful to my husband for suggesting this, it made the holiday so much more meaningful to everyone and brought us all closer by allowing us to express how we felt and appreciate and share love for one another in a way that we rarely do. I have never felt so much love for and so much love from my family as I do now, and I hope that their experience was similarly uplifting.