Today was my first doctor’s appointment. I’ve been anxiously awaiting and dreading today for a long time. I have been so nervous about losing this baby, which I know is normal, but somehow I felt even more anxious about losing it because of everything going on with my mom. I just kept thinking if something went wrong, not only would it devastate me and MS, but it would crush my mom. This baby, and the happiness it has brought our family, is the one thing we’ve all had to hold onto and cling to and keep us going.
I love my OB, Dr. Fine, she’s sweet and kind but also knowledgeable and smart. I waited a long time to see her, then finally went in, not sure what to expect. She joked that she just saw me, as I had gone in for a pre-conception appointment in April. She talked to me a little about when we conceived, and what to do and not to do, normal things. I was excited to see, among her collection of baby pictures and announcements, a picture of my friend’s baby. She left to let me get undressed for an ultrasound. I was so nervous I was shaking, knowing this was the moment when I would find out if I was really pregnant, if it was healthy, and the first time I would see our little bean.
At first the ultrasound looked weird, to me it was empty. She swished around a little more and then I saw it. The little embryo was there for sure. To me, it looked tiny, but I have no idea what normal is so I waited. She too said it was small and my heart started pounding. She moved the wand around more, trying to get a better look. She clicked a measurement and there it popped up on the screen: 6w2d. Impossible. I know when I ovulated. I know when we had sex to conceive because MS went out of town the very next day. I knew that something was wrong and so did she. She clicked the measurements a few more times, not sounding hopeful. I was fighting back tears, and she calmly, kindly told me that we needed to talk in her office about what was going to happen next. I knew that was not a good.
I dressed, crying alone in the office, wishing I had been able to have MS there with me, or my mom, someone. I slowly stumbled out, unable to find her office. The receptionist pointed me in the right direction. As soon as I sat down I started crying hard. Dr. Fine came around to my side of her desk, sat next to me, and held my hand. She was calm, but understanding, explaining to me my options. She was careful to make sure I knew that I didn’t cause this by eating something wrong, or lifting something heavy. She said the truth, the part we all know but that doesn’t in any way make the grief less real-that there is just something wrong with the baby and this is nature’s way. I know this is true but it doesn’t make it any less devastating. I have loved this little baby since the moment I saw the second line on that pregnancy test. I had hopes and plans for it. We loved it, we talked to it. MS was already sure it was a girl, calling it by our favorite girl name, Winter.
I had worried about the possibility of a loss, but I never really thought it would happen to me. I never thought God would give me and my family this much more pain when we’re already dealing with so much. Dr. Fine was kind, though, having been through 4 miscarriages herself, she calmly and sweetly helped me through my tears. We agreed to wait a week and do one more ultrasound just to make sure that the measurement was correct and it has stopped growing. Then I will have to decide if I want to wait for it to naturally miscarry, or have a D&C. Of course, there is a slight, slim, sliver of hope that it’s just small, that she measured wrong, or that it will miraculously catch up in the next week. I’m not hanging on to that hope because I can’t stand being let down again. For now I’m just giving this to God and hoping for peace and understanding.
I got up to leave, not taking the pregnancy grab bag of pamphlets and samples the nurse had given me earlier, thinking bitterly in my head, "I don't need that anymore!" Dr. Fine grabbed it, put it in my hand and said: "No, take this, because you are going to get pregnant again, and you are going to have a healthy baby." Somehow, that made me smile through my tears and I thanked her and left.