Moving Forward

Yesterday evening I picked MS up at 6:00. It was amazing to have him in my arms again. He makes things feel almost right and I am so glad I have him in my life. Due to the time and the traffic factor we took PCH home. It was a gorgeous sunny California day and as we drove up the coast we passed the Santa Monica Pier. He asked if I wanted to go walk on the beach and I agreed, since in all 29 years I’ve lived in Southern California I have never been to the Santa Monica Pier. We turned into the parking lot and were shocked that, despite it being 2010, the attendant wouldn’t take a credit card to pay for parking. He agreed to let us park if we went to an ATM and then came back and paid. We walked to the pier, and of course it was full of kids and happy families. I tried not to let that bother me, instead I reveled in the day, how happy I was to be here, with my loving husband, in this beautiful place. In spite of everything I know I have a lot of blessings in my life and so much to be grateful for.

After wandering around the pier we finally found an ATM, and it was out of service. We found another, and it too was out of service, defeated, tired, we headed out to leave, but spotted one more ATM. Of course it too was out of service. I guess we weren’t meant to hang out at the pier after all. We headed home and had a nice drive through Malibu Canyon, which is also gorgeous. I tried to focus on the scenery and how lucky I am to live in such a beautiful place, and not dwell on the dread I felt about my upcoming appointment.

Today we got up early and went to the radiology center. I was not excited, but not dreading it as much as one might think. I had been praying all night and all morning and in the car on the way over and just had a sense of peace and calm. When we went in, there was a mix up with the referrals and we had to leave and come back three hours later. Instead of being mad, I thought, okay, three more hours to pray, and have the hope that maybe I’m still pregnant.

Three hours later we came back. The ultrasound technician spent a long time working on me. She must have clicked dozens of images. I couldn’t see the screen and tried reading her face for signs of good news or bad. It felt like I was lying there for hours, but it was probably only ten minutes. When it was over she asked me how I was. I replied, “I don’t know, you tell me.” Thinking, I’m dying here, you know whether I have a healthy baby or a dead embryo in there and you’re asking me how I am? I won’t know how I am until you tell me the truth. She just said she couldn’t tell me and the doctor would have to. She left MS and I alone and I sat up and tried to decipher the screen, but she had closed all the images.

We sat for what again felt like an eternity before someone popped her head in and said the doctor would be awhile. Great. I tried praying and staying calm but my nerves were raw and I just wanted to know. I felt completely numb and exhausted and ready for it to be over, whatever the outcome.

Finally they told me to get dressed and go in and see the doctor. They led us to a darkened room full of video screens with images of what had been our baby. MS grabbed my hand and the doctor hesitantly but kindly told us that my doctor had been correct. I didn’t cry, I just nodded and accepted it. I wasn’t surprised. I was just glad it was over and I knew for sure where to go. No more hoping, just moving forward.

We left and walked numbly to the car. I felt completely at peace for the moment, accepting this was just the way it was and that I needed to learn to live with it. We went out to breakfast, even though it was almost lunchtime, and I held it together even as a pregnant woman walked right by me, holding the hand of her adorable little daughter. I just smiled, tried to imagine that someday that would be me, it just isn’t my time yet.